Fathering After Separation

In a perfect world I suppose every relationship would remain intact til death do us part.  However, the reality is that sometimes relationships don’t last and families find themselves needing to adapt to separation, divorce and other changes.  If this is you, here are some thoughts about adjusting:

Grief and Loss

For some people it may be a relief when the marriage finally ends, but for others it’s like being hit with a pile of bricks. You may feel a profound sense of loss — loss of a partner, loss of a former life, loss of time with children. Some fathers go through various stages of shock, denial, confusion and sadness as they come to terms with their situation. These are deep and painful feelings and it will take some time to get through them. That’s normal.

Stress

Even if you have had a relatively “easy” separation, you’re going through a big change right now and big change is stressful. Your stress may be emotional, financial or it may just be that the practical details of your life have become more complicated. All this can affect your interactions with your kids. So look after yourself, particularly when you are not with them. Eating properly and getting enough rest and exercise are good ways to start dealing with stress. It may also help to sit down and list some of the aspects of your life that are causing stress. You won’t be able to eliminate all of them (or even most of them) but you may see a way to reduce some of the demands on your life. By looking after your stress you’re doing a favour to your children.

Fear

Newly separated fathers often feel very uncertain about the future. “Will I be able to meet my increased financial commitments? Will I be able to be the kind of father I dreamed of being? Will I lose contact with my children?” Dealing with these fears will also take time.

Anger

It is normal to be angry after a separation. You may blame your partner. She may blame you as well. The important thing is what you do with that anger. In particular, it’s important to do everything you can to make sure that it affects your children as little as possible.

More thoughts next time . . .

Find out more by downloading Full-time Dad, Part-time Kids here.

Separated from the Kids – Staying in Touch

The holidays are special times for most families.  But there are families who are separated for one reason or another.  One of the biggest problems for separated fathers is feeling a loss of connection with their children. Here are some ideas for maintaining your connection when you can’t be with them for the holidays.

• Phone your child to say good night.  Be sure to get their wish list.
• Write your child a little letter and tell her what you did that day. Fathers with older children may be able to keep in touch by e-mail.  Send your child a Christmas card every day for 12 days.
• Attend holiday school performances. Get involved with your child’s school. Get to know his teachers and the principal. Attend school functions.
• Make an audiotape of yourself reading her favourite Christmas or holiday story.
• Collect interesting items for your children when you are apart from them. You can say, “I was thinking about you when I saw this.” Younger children might enjoy a pretty rock or wildflower. For older children it might be a funny comic cut out of the newspaper.
• If possible, move to a home in your child’s neighbourhood. This will be more convenient for you and it will be especially helpful when your children are older and their friends and activities become very important to them.
• Offer to give your ex-partner some free time by taking your child Christmas shopping.

Making every effort to be available to your child will create memories that last for all of you.

Merry Christmas.

Download a booklet for separated and divorced dads here.