Fathering After Separation

In a perfect world I suppose every relationship would remain intact til death do us part.  However, the reality is that sometimes relationships don’t last and families find themselves needing to adapt to separation, divorce and other changes.  If this is you, here are some thoughts about adjusting:

Grief and Loss

For some people it may be a relief when the marriage finally ends, but for others it’s like being hit with a pile of bricks. You may feel a profound sense of loss — loss of a partner, loss of a former life, loss of time with children. Some fathers go through various stages of shock, denial, confusion and sadness as they come to terms with their situation. These are deep and painful feelings and it will take some time to get through them. That’s normal.

Stress

Even if you have had a relatively “easy” separation, you’re going through a big change right now and big change is stressful. Your stress may be emotional, financial or it may just be that the practical details of your life have become more complicated. All this can affect your interactions with your kids. So look after yourself, particularly when you are not with them. Eating properly and getting enough rest and exercise are good ways to start dealing with stress. It may also help to sit down and list some of the aspects of your life that are causing stress. You won’t be able to eliminate all of them (or even most of them) but you may see a way to reduce some of the demands on your life. By looking after your stress you’re doing a favour to your children.

Fear

Newly separated fathers often feel very uncertain about the future. “Will I be able to meet my increased financial commitments? Will I be able to be the kind of father I dreamed of being? Will I lose contact with my children?” Dealing with these fears will also take time.

Anger

It is normal to be angry after a separation. You may blame your partner. She may blame you as well. The important thing is what you do with that anger. In particular, it’s important to do everything you can to make sure that it affects your children as little as possible.

More thoughts next time . . .

Find out more by downloading Full-time Dad, Part-time Kids here.

Dads in Blended Families Take it “One Step At a Time”

Any father might wonder at times what role he should play in his family.  Fathers in blended families probably have even more questions because they often have  more than one family to influence.  Here are some thoughts for step-dads:

Children need to adjust to their parents’ new relationships.  Here are some things you can do to help them:

• Give them time.  New relationships always take time.
• Ensure good relationships with original parents.  Children need positive contact with their moms and dads.
• Let them know you understand that it’s hard for them.  Empathy is important.
• Protect them from conflict and other adult problems.  This is not their responsibility.
• Support their new relationships.
• Give them as much stability as they can get.

Keys to relationships with stepchildren:

• Let them come to you, on their terms, and in their time.
• Create opportunities to spend quality time with them.
• Doing activities together can make it a little easier, like taking walks or bowling.
• Respect their need for time with their mother.  This is important.
• Respect their relationship with their father.  There is another man in their life.
• Enjoy and appreciate the good times.  They are building blocks for your family.

Connecting with Your Stepchildren

Your new relationships take hard work and lots of creativity. But the effort you give now pays off later. Here are some tips for connecting with your stepchildren:

Under 5 years old

• help look after the children, while respecting their relationship with their original parent

• play together and let them lead the play

• be kind, positive, and patient as they are adjusting to the new relationship they have with you

• support good routines throughout the day

School-aged children (6-11 years old)

• do activities together

• don’t expect children to see you as a parent figure right away

• give the children time to warm up to you

• respect the child’s relationship with the original parent

Older children (12+ years old)

• don’t make too many demands on them too soon

• driving them places can be a good, low pressure way to be together

• be a friend before you try to be a parent

• understand and forgive the anger and resentment they may feel towards you

• be patient – stay away from lectures and anger

And check out this radio ad.  A young boy talking to Mike about being his dad.

Fatherhood: Its the Best Job on the Planet (. . .  you can do it!)